What I would give to be the mom in the carline…

Carline, a thing I used to dread… 45 minutes in a car with my cranky toddler who just wants out and a snack or two or five.

Carline, I’m not sure anyone really likes the carline. Unless your toddler is sleeping and it’s your hour of peace. In which case hats off to you. You rock.

Carline, is officially a thing of my past.

Instead I get to skip it. I get to go quietly into the school and pick up my kid. No mess. No hassle. No carline.


An hour early, my kid gets to leave.

For what reason?

Simply because my 6 –SIX– year old is not strong enough to make it through an entire day at school.

For the past year as we have learned our new normal. A life where epilepsy doesn’t define us but it certainly calls the shots at times.

During this year we watched as medication after medication has been added to our arsenal. As option after option has been put in front of us.

As option after option has been tried and failed.

This year we have watched as the once full of life, big personality, vibrant eyes of our daughter have dulled. She is still so full of life and personality. Her eyes still shine but behind those eyes you might catch a glimpse of something….

Sadness. The sadness of test after test, poke after poke. Medication after medication.

What you will see is her little body fighting a fight so much bigger than her. What you will find is her body giving way to side effects of the medication.

The same medication that is saving her life.

You see I picked up my six year old from school today and she didn’t even make it home before she fell asleep.

While, I wouldn’t change my daughter for anything. Her laugh, her smile, her personality is life giving. She gives the best hugs. She has the biggest heart I have ever seen.

I wouldn’t change her, God has made her so unique. She was wonderfully made and is one of the missing pieces of me I didn’t know I had.

I wouldn’t change her but oh how I wish I could take away her struggle and her pain.

How I wish to see her play for hours again without getting tired. To see her be SIX and not get tired.

So you see I would give anything to be the mom in the carline.

My word of the year 2018: JOY

This year instead of having new year resolutions that never get accomplished, I am going in a new direction. A word of the year.

One word to take me through the entire year. One word to shape the way my year goes.

That word:


Joy in everything. Joy in the hard times. Joy in the great times. Joy in the small things. Joy in the big things.

I want to seek out joy in all things. I want to be wrapped up in joy.

For me the key to finding this joy is finding the love of my father, ABBA, Savior, King, Lord, Messiah, Immanuel.

Immanuel: God is with us.

What greater joy can be found than that. For me, my goal is that no matter what circumstance I find myself in that I also find the love of my God there too and with that I will find my JOY.

Whether I am washing my fifth load of laundry for the day, or having a fun day with my family, or watching my kid lay in a hospital bed, I want to find the joy. I want to see God’s presence in everything.

I have spent a lot of time trying to find just the right word for 2018.

In doing so I had to look back at 2017 and find what I would change.

The biggest thing I took away is that in 2017, I let my circumstances decide how I felt.

I look back at 2017 and all I can see is that fact that my child received a life changing diagnosis. I see the miracle of her life, but I also see the countless hospital stays, and the medication side effects.

I don’t want my next year to be tainted by a few bad days, or weekends.

In fact, someone I know recently said “my life could get worse…everyone’s life could get worse”. They went on to say how they didn’t have a bad year, just a bad day. This struck home with me. This person experienced my worst nightmare, and they were still able to say it wasn’t a bad year.

If they could do that. Surely, I can find it in myself to seek out the joy in all things.

2017 wasn’t a bad year, it had its moments but it wasn’t a bad year.

So here is to 2018. A year full of joy.

2017 in review: A year of searching, seeking, fears, healing, unanswered prayers, grace and love abounding

“Yes, she has epilepsy. No, we may never know why; sometimes these things just happen” Those are the words that were spoken to us in June 2017. But to fully understand you have to go back to January 2017. January 1, 2017 Olivia consistently lip smacks or swallows in her sleep to the point it […]

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No one tells you what to do when your baby isn’t healthy. 

“Do you want a girl or a boy?” “It doesn’t matter, as long as it is healthy” This is a coverasation every expectant parent has with almost every person they come into contact with. Every. Time.  I’m pregnant with my third baby. We have already been blessed with two beautiful girls ages 5 and 1. […]

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Another Year. Another January. Part 2. 

I have put off writing this blog. I honestly don’t want to dive into it. To re live it. To dig up the emotions or rather have the emotions come bubbling to the surface. I’m afraid that once I write it, once I let this become black and white in words, it becomes real. Right […]

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Another year. Another January. Part 1.

A few years ago I wrote a post about a pretty terrible January we had. You can read it here. Ironically enough, this January was even tougher. I remember a few years ago thinking, this is terrible is it ever going to get better?  It did get better. Then… BOOM. 2017 2017 has been a […]

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America. Your not great. 

 America. Your not great. Yes, we have many things that we take for granted and should be thankful for but America:  WE are not great.  America, we have raised a generation of kids now adults who feel entitled to whatever they want. Who feel as if when they don’t get their way then it’s okay […]

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Dear Laryngomalacia 

Dear Laryngomalacia, You came like a thief in the night. You snuck up on our family slow and gradual, like maybe you wouldn’t be caught. It was a few pounds lost here, a few there.  A cold that wouldn’t go away, the cough that never stopped. The sunken eyes. The choking.  Until 6 months later […]

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Mom. I see you. 

To the mom who wants to give up. I see you.  To the mom who feels like a failure. I see you.  To the mom who doesn’t have it all together. I see you.  To the mom who thinks the unimaginable. I see you.  I see you. I see the sadness in your eyes. I […]

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The death of my 4 year old’s soul a.k.a the bouncy ball. 

The soul crushing wails of my child could be heard throughout the neighborhood as her little 4 year old heart broke into tiny little pieces shattered by none other than me. Her mom. Her protector.  A simple task was all that was required. Carry her cup AND bouncy ball inside. What?! Two things call me […]

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