Unfinished

Seven. Seven times I have sat down to type over the past two years. Seven times, the words started pouring out. Seven times I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hit post, I couldn’t finish a thought. Seven times the words came, and left. Now those words lie in the grave yard of my drafts, unfinished waiting for a day that may not yet come.

Funny how, it’s not just the words that sit unfinished. It’s the projects, the work, and the goals. The things I said I would and could accomplish. They just sit. Half done. Unfinished. Drafts of what could be.

Isn’t that what life is? A draft. Unfinished. A “preliminary version” according to a quick google search for a definition. I guess it depends on who you ask and what you believe.

For me, ultimately life is a draft, its the first version. It’s the version that is constantly getting edited, and rewritten. Waiting for the final copy, that day when life is made new, the day all tears are dried up. The day I see Jesus face to face.

What do I do in the meantime? What do I do with this “preliminary version”? Unfinished, it doesn’t sound catchy does it? But what if we flipped the script. What if instead of looking at unfinished at something negative what if we spin in it around. What if we look at unfinished and only see the good. The things left to accomplish, the endless opportunities and possibilities.

Suddenly, unfinished doesn’t seem so bad. Because, I am. I am unfinished. I haven’t accomplished the goals I have set out for myself, or my family. I haven’t became the person I was created to be yet. But..I am BECOMING.

Woah. Say it with me. I am becoming.

I am unfinished.

I am becoming.

Becoming who or what? I’m not sure. I do know that there are big dreams waiting for me, some I know, some I have snippets of. Others I’m I don’t even see coming but I am sure they are there. Because I know God has given me this: He has created me for BIG life, not a small one.

To live my my BIG life, I have to LIVE it. I can’t watch it happen that’s how small life’s happen. I have to live it, I have to work at it.

Being unfinished, becoming. Those require work to get to the end.

So here I am. Writing, crossing off a goal of finishing a post and hitting publish. Not letting these words go unsaid. The funny thing as I write and the words just spill out, I’m not even sure half the time where they will lead me, or where will end up. Just like now, I’m not sure how to tidy this up into a neat little crafty end tag. Some catchy one liner to end on. And maybe that’s the whole point of this post.

It’s in the becoming, its in the unfinished, where we find the greatest beauty, where we find ourselves. Where we find our big life, where we find our joy. It’s not about where we started, or where we will end up. It’s about the journey. Life is about the adventure.

The job of a medically fragile child’s sibling.

I abandoned my child.

Now say it again.

I abandoned my child.

Say it again one more time.

I abandoned by child.

I say this to myself. I tell myself I had no choice. I say it to prepare my heart.

One of the greatest parenting advice I ever got is to always be open to hear how you failed your child when they are little after they are grown.

Woah. Openly accept all the ways I failed even though I was doing my best.

Do it openly. Do it without making excuses. Accept that at some point despite my best intentions I will mess up. I will make a negative lasting impression on my child among all the positive.

So I say it. I abandoned my child. I say it and know it’s true.

Not in the way you are thinking. She never went without, always had food and shelter and I was always a phone call away.

But I did abandon her. My middle child. My child with a heart of gold.

I’m sure there is a fancy word for it, but I’m calling it the syndrome of the sibling of a medically fragile child. A medical necessity.

When grandma and grandpa picked her up from daycare and kept her for days as her dad and I had to rush her sister to the hospital for an impromptu stay more times than I care to count.

Yes we called her, but we weren’t there like she expected. She got left behind time and time again. Not her fault. Not ours. Just a cruel twist of fate. But it’s there. The abandonment.

Even earlier the sweet solely breastfed babe who wouldn’t take a bottle. Left in the care of friends with a bottle and formula for TWO weeks as we fought for her sisters life. Again, not her fault. Not ours. Just another cruel twist of fate.

Abandonment. Can you imagine being that babe only knowing mom for 9 months to suddenly be without her for that long. Abandonment.

The birthday parties that got canceled and never rescheduled because a party just wasn’t important in all the chaos of a sisters failing health.

As far as abandonment goes this is pretty mild. Honestly, it is so much worse and unimaginable for many kids. I don’t want to discount or discredit that. Yet, that won’t take away my daughters feelings. It won’t change the fact. Abandonment can come in many forms. As I know from personal experience.

It makes so much sense that she would be my child who doesn’t like sleepovers, who doesn’t like to be away from me. Who needs a few extra cuddles. Who always finds me in the wee hours of the morning.

Why?

She needs to know I’m there. Because she knows the feeling deep in her soul of when I’m not. Even if she is too young to vocalize the feeling. It’s there. Her actions show it.

So my job is to teach her that my love is strong. It’s unconditional, it can’t be broken. It’s never changing and unstoppable.

Because the truth is, it will probably happen again. I’ll have to drop everything to rush to her sisters bedside.

Her sisters illness will leave her with her own scars despite the fact that won’t suffer physically.

She will be her sisters biggest advocate. She will love her and protect her. She will and has seen things she shouldn’t have too. She has become a nurse helper at such a young age.

She will have scars from it. She will also be better because of it.

She will love a little harder. Be a little kinder. Be a little stronger. Love a little more.

Welcome to my world–the life of a medically fragile child in the midst of a pandemic.

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Grieving… the child you dreamed about and loving the child you have.

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The Art of Surrender

Surrender. That was my word for 2019. I talked a few blogs ago about how to surrender means to abandon oneself entirely. Another definition can be “to give up or hand over“. I should have known then, that this was going to be a year for the books. I am still very much learning how […]

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What do I do when God disappoints…

This week has been a dream. Olivia has been off one of her medications. It has been pure bliss as we have watched her come back to life. Without that specific medication in her system she has flourished. Where once it was like waking the dead, now she is up before the sun. Where once […]

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111 days and a secret so simple.

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Word of the year 2019: Surrender

This year choosing a word was easy. In fact I didn’t even choose it. It jumped at me with a bright neon flashing light doing a dance. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender is defined as: “abandon oneself entirely to (a powerful emotion or influence); give in to.” Did you hear that. Abandon oneself entirely. Entirely. Not […]

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Ten years from now a thousand fold

Dear Matt, You said it best when you said “sometimes it feels like 20 years, sometimes it feels like yesterday” We have been through a lot these past 8 years. The good, the bad, the ugly, the scary, the beautiful. Through it all you have been there. We have somehow managed to bring 3 beautiful […]

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2018 a year of JOY.

At the beginning of the year I chose a word. I thought and prayer for one word. Instead of resolutions –that wouldn’t last longer than a month, maybe 2– I chose a word. One word. One word to define a new year. One word to strive for. Joy Coming into 2018 I was ending one […]

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